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It's been 6 months since I last checked in and so much has happened. I last wrote about finally finding some peace after Madison's angelversary date came and left. I was finally able to let go of the constant sadness I felt, the guilt, anger and even fear. After being visited by that beautiful white butterfly the night before, I knew Madison was telling me it's time to start living again.
And then not even 3 weeks later I got the most shocking news...that I'm pregnant! Most women would be thrilled to get news lie this. But obviously I had a much different response. I cried tears of fear. How could I not be happy to be blessed with such a miracle once again? But all those dreadful memories of May 31, 2009 came rushing back, along with the roller coaster ride I had been on this past year. How was I supposed to get through these next 9 months? What if this happens again? How can I possibly do this?
But as I learned sometimes things happen in life that lead you somewhere else or help answer questions that have not been answered for too long. I once again was sent to the ATU to meet with the high risk doctors. This time I got a new doctor, one that had reviewed all my ultrasound pictures and tapes, read through countless reports and test results. He sat Erik and I down and explained to us that he believes what happened with Madison was a cord accident and not a result of my being diabetic, despite what I had been told. I was too well controlled and he thought she simply layed on the cord. What? I was finally getting an answer? And one that wasn't blaming me because of my unfortunate luck of being diabetic?
Filnding this out did not help with the pain you feel when you've lost a child, but that heaviness that weighed so heavily on my heart had just lightened.
Now, here I am 26 weeks into this pregnancy. I have had a smorgasboard of diffrent emotions from being excited to feeling like I am betraying Madison by entering another stage in my life.
I have a wonderful support group surrounding me. Friends I had thought I lost, new friends that have experienced the same grief, excellent doctors that understand my frantic calls to be seen immediately. I finally got the courage to cut all ties to the negative people in my life, the ones that made the horrible comments about Madison not being a "real baby" or constantly questioning my sanity.
I try to just live day be day for right now. Not focusing on the future, but just the here and now. One day might be rougher than the last, but if I try to just get through this one day, then that's a huge accomplishment.
What many people don't realize, and what any parent who has lost a child knows, is that worry and doubt are my two constant companions through these next few months. It has been with me since I got the positive on the pregnancy test, and it will be with me until I am holding my living, breathing baby in my arms. But once when I thought my life was going to be hell, I now live for hope...hope with a heartbeat.
