It's been 6 months since I last checked in and so much has happened. I last wrote about finally finding some peace after Madison's angelversary date came and left. I was finally able to let go of the constant sadness I felt, the guilt, anger and even fear. After being visited by that beautiful white butterfly the night before, I knew Madison was telling me it's time to start living again.
And then not even 3 weeks later I got the most shocking news...that I'm pregnant! Most women would be thrilled to get news lie this. But obviously I had a much different response. I cried tears of fear. How could I not be happy to be blessed with such a miracle once again? But all those dreadful memories of May 31, 2009 came rushing back, along with the roller coaster ride I had been on this past year. How was I supposed to get through these next 9 months? What if this happens again? How can I possibly do this?
But as I learned sometimes things happen in life that lead you somewhere else or help answer questions that have not been answered for too long. I once again was sent to the ATU to meet with the high risk doctors. This time I got a new doctor, one that had reviewed all my ultrasound pictures and tapes, read through countless reports and test results. He sat Erik and I down and explained to us that he believes what happened with Madison was a cord accident and not a result of my being diabetic, despite what I had been told. I was too well controlled and he thought she simply layed on the cord. What? I was finally getting an answer? And one that wasn't blaming me because of my unfortunate luck of being diabetic?
Filnding this out did not help with the pain you feel when you've lost a child, but that heaviness that weighed so heavily on my heart had just lightened.
Now, here I am 26 weeks into this pregnancy. I have had a smorgasboard of diffrent emotions from being excited to feeling like I am betraying Madison by entering another stage in my life.
I have a wonderful support group surrounding me. Friends I had thought I lost, new friends that have experienced the same grief, excellent doctors that understand my frantic calls to be seen immediately. I finally got the courage to cut all ties to the negative people in my life, the ones that made the horrible comments about Madison not being a "real baby" or constantly questioning my sanity.
I try to just live day be day for right now. Not focusing on the future, but just the here and now. One day might be rougher than the last, but if I try to just get through this one day, then that's a huge accomplishment.
What many people don't realize, and what any parent who has lost a child knows, is that worry and doubt are my two constant companions through these next few months. It has been with me since I got the positive on the pregnancy test, and it will be with me until I am holding my living, breathing baby in my arms. But once when I thought my life was going to be hell, I now live for hope...hope with a heartbeat.
At times it seems like yesterday, other times, a lifetime. It's been a year since we lost Madison. There were times when I wondered if I would ever survive, the pain and hurt being too unbearable. But here I am, I have survived my year of "firsts". The wound from my loss will continue to heal...slowly, but it will continue to heal.
I feel like people think that I should "be over it" or that I need to "get on with my life". But I'm not, and I can't. My life has taken a horrible wrong turn, one that I can't seem to find my way back. I'm so thankful to have some wonderful people in my life that continue to let me share my pain. Everytime I open up and share some of my pain, I'm letting a little more of the hurt, the anger, and the pain go. That's the way we heal, right? Day by day, little by little, for as long as it takes? The week leading up to Madison's angelversary date was painful, but I also was able to find some comfort in remembering what her kicks felt like, remembering the weight of her in my arms, remembering the smell of her precious head. I'm so thankful to be able to remember these things, and I pray that they will never go away.
As I start to enter my year of "seconds", of another year without Madison, I pray for a little more comfort, strength and healing. It's frustrating at my worst moments to see how far I still have to go. But as I read over this past years journal entries, I've realized how far I've come. Those first few months I was not able to see my future because so many of my plans included Madison. Now I'm able to look forward to the future, to watching Kayla grow up into a beautiful young girl. I couldn't do that before. I now know that I have to start rebuilding my life, a life without Madison, but a life knowing that I'm special to have my own personal angel.
Saturday, May 30th, was very special to me. I feel like that was the day that Madison left us. We did a balloon release, and I can't even describe how hard it was to let go of that balloon. I wanted to jump back up and grab it, thinking that if I could somehow get ahold of it again, I could also get ahold of Madison and bring her back to us. Crazy, I know. But that's how I felt. When we got home I felt so much pain. Then something white fluttered by my face. I looked on in amazement as a pure white butterfly fluttered around my living room, yes, inside my house. She landed on the kitchen wall where I just watched. I couldn't move. When I went running for my camera, she was gone. But I know she was there. About an hour later, Erik saw the butterfly too and let it go free in the back yard. I felt this overwhelming comfort, Madison had come home to let me know she was well and that she was with us during these hard times.
My Dear Madison, although our time together was brief, you will never be forgotten. You've been able to show me how to love and discover a strength I never knew I had. Please be with us in times of trouble and laughter, and continue to watch over us. Know that when you see my tears, they are tears of love.
We love you and miss you always,
Mommy, Daddy, Kayla
May used to be one of the few months I always looked forward to. Spring is here, the warmer weather comes, there's beautiful flowers everywhere. How can you NOT love May? I HATE May. It's the one month I now dread more than any other month. I have building up such anxiety these past few weeks knowing that Mother's Day is around the corner, then just a few weeks later I'll have to deal with knowing that my Madison has now been gone from me for a whole year already. Why do I do this to myself? The anxiety of fearing what is to come is always much worse than the actual day itself. I should feel blessed that I do have a healthy, beautiful daughter still with me. A child here on earth that I will be able to celebrate with. But that empty part of my heart still and will always ache that I will never have Madison come running up to me, wrap those baby's chubby arms aroung my neck and give me those sweet hugs and kisses that I get so frequently from Kayla. Life is not fair (as I'm hearing all to often from my 3 year old these days) and I can't agree more. Then I think about the Mother's out there that continuously loose their children, or are not even blessed to have gone through the whole pregnancy experience themselves. Pregnancy is by far the best time in your life, when that baby is yours and yours alone to cherish. The kicks, the tumbles, the jabs to the ribs, the sleepless nights...how I miss that.
I remember as a little girl how I believed in fairy tales. I would lie in bed at night and imagine what my life would be like. The Prince Charming, the white pickett fence, the children and dogs and the house filled with love. I was told that if you believe in something and wanted something so badly, it would come true. Then you enter "real life" and suddenly realize that every turn you make there is an obstacle. Your fairy tale disappears. I know it's crazy, but it's hard to let go of that fairy tale. It's like I don't want to give up that last little bit of hope, of faith, that one day I will open my eyes from this horrible dream and my fairy tale of having my Kayla and Madison here with me would come true.
I am very thankful for what I do have. I look at Kayla everyday and realize what a miracle and blessing she truly is. And I would never, ever give up those 36 weeks that I carried Madison with me. Her brief time with me has shown me that there is more to life than material things. I have learned to treasure each moment we are together, to never forget the past, and take every moment and make it a memorable one. I am truly blessed to say that I have an angel watching over us, but sometimes it's just so hard not to be selfish and want her here with us.
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