The holidays are so rough...

Thanksgiving down...Christmas to go. Wednesday was so horrible. We got down the Christmas decorations and I couldn't help but think about not having Madison in her swing, gazing at the lights like Kayla did on her first Christmas season. A year ago I kept thinking...next year at this time...then thinking about the holiday as a family of four. Daddy and his three girls. It hurt. And I can't help but feel that I let everyone down. Like Madison's death was my fault. I failed as a wife, and I failed as a mother. It's a horrible feeling. We visited Madison's grave Thanksgiving afternoon. We set out fresh flowers and the tiny snowglobe with her name on it. I looked around the cemetary and thought about the day we buried Madison. Everything was so different. Not only the green leaves and beautiful flowers, but I realized how much my life had changed over these past 6 months. Many friends seemed to disappear from my life, while a whole new group walked in. I feel like I've aged 10 years in my face and body. I feel like my smile that used to come so easily is now too often forced. And yet I looked up into the heavans and asked again..."Why me? What did I do to deserve this?" Because honestly, this is the worst thing I think ANYONE has to go through. I know life isn't fair, but this just seems to me to be a cruel, cruel trick to do to anyone.

As we left the cemetary, Kayla started telling us that she likes visiting her baby sister, that she brings her presents and plays with her. I don't know what she was talking about, she's too young to understand life and death. A few months ago when our dog caught a chipmunk and killed it, she thought Daddy could just fix him and everything would be okay again. Funny, I would give anything to be able to go back to that time that our minds were so innocent and didn't know loss. But I was comforted by her words, I know Madison is always with us...and I'm sure she does visit Kayla in her dreams.

Today is Madison's 6 month angelversary. 6 months since I felt her kicks, her life, her energy. And 6 months that I heard those dreaded words and lost a huge part of me. Part of my heart will always be empty, will always be lost. Nothing will ever fill that part again. So many nights I pray that we will be united very soon, then realize that day will have to wait. I still have my beautiful living angel here that needs me very much. And I need her.

Without you during the holiday

My Dearest Madison,

It hurts so much entering this holiday season without you. I hear the laughter and the energy of Kayla, so excited for the holidays. All that is missing is your cooing. Many days I wonder what you would look like, what color your eyes would be, the sound of your laughter and cries, your beautiful smile. It's really hurting me not having you here with us. I never thought I could be so excited for the holidays, yet dread them so much. I bought you a beautiful snowglobe with your name on it for your stone, and I will be placing it there tomorrow. I'm sure you'll love it. Kayla hasn't stopped playing with it since we bought it last week. Have you been visiting Kayla in her dreams? Several nights I have woken up to hear her laughing in her sleep, and I just know you are with her. She remembers you...tonight I was explaining how her great-grandma made several of these ornaments. When she asked where her great-grandma was, I told her she was in heavan. And she asked if she was with Madison. I'm sure she is! Please baby girl, help me get through this. I miss you and love you so very much!

Love Mommy

Little Reminders

Back in October I was going through such an awful funk. It was my birthday, October 15th, and I was so depressed. Friends and co-workers would laugh at me and say "Girl, you are not that old!" Little did they know that I wasn't even thinking of me, but yet again of my little Angel that I had lost. You see, it was exactly one year ago that I found out I was pregnant with Madison. How much hurt and sorrow I've experienced this past year was unbearable.

It also marked the 20 week aniversary that I lost Madison. It was a painful weekend and I pretty much kept to myself. No parties, no gifts, no birthday dinners. I awoke at 1:30am Sunday morning with low bloodsugar, so I went downstairs to eat something. As I sat on my couch in the dark eating a banana, I realized that this is where I sat exactly 20 weeks before, the exact same time, eating the exact same thing when I knew something wasn't right with Madison. At that moment Kayla's Fisher Price Activity Center starts going off in the corner, playing music, talking. I didn't really pay attention to it, just thought the batteries were running low and went upstairs to check on Kayla. She was sleeping peacefully, but was really warm and sweating through her head. This is nothing new, she's really warm-blooded and always sweats through her head. I lay back down, listening to this toy downstairs drive me crazy when I got this strange feeling. Something wasn't right, but I couldn't figure it out. For whatever reason I decided to get up and check Kayla's blood. She has never had a low overnight since her diagnosis last January, but on this particular night she was 69 which was way too low for a toddler! I woke her up and gave her some milk. I cuddled with her until her sugar was back up, then I noticed the toy downstairs had stopped going off. All was quiet and I had this weird sense of peace around me. I thought about Madison again and how it had been 20 weeks since I felt her kicks, since I gave birth to her, since I got to hold her in my arms. Yet this time I wasn't sad, because on this night, once again I got to feel her presence. She truly is our Angel!

I've also seen a white butterfly last week when I was in the yard, and yet again this week while taking Kayla to her first day of school. Even though I didn't get to push her in a carriage, or cuddle her into my neck as my older baby ran off for her first day of school, she was with us. It's November and cold...yet here was that single white butterfly that has made its presense so frequently this past summer and now into these chilly months.

I just continue to pray that Madison continues to make her presense known to me. It's comforting and the days that I just want to cry for my loss, I can instead feel blessed that I have an Angel watching over us.


Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

My first big step forward...

Last night I took Kayla to dance class and over the past two months have gotten to know some of the other Mothers pretty well. I felt really comfortable in the conversation so it didn't even dawn on me when I made a reference to being pregnant with Madison, they had no idea who I was talking about. One mother asked, "Oh, you have another daughter at home?" I felt stunned...I have been asked several times in the past few months how many children I have and I haven't felt comfortable enough to take that big step and talk about Madison. So if I didn't know the person and knew I wouldn't see them again, I'd say two. Otherwise, feeling guilty, I'd say just one. I didn't want to see that look on someone's face that I had grown accustomed to these past few months and the uncomfortable "oh, I'm so sorry". I still have problems talking to Erik and family without breaking down. I hated the fact that I felt like I was trying to not acknowledge her existence.

But last night was different. I finally found that strength that I've been so desperately seeking and said, "I have Kayla, and my other daughter was born silent at 36 weeks." Silence. And then came the uncomfortable looks. But I took a deep breath and said, "It's okay. I'm okay. We all are okay. Even though she wasn't part of our lives for very long, we are all blessed to have our "own little angel" watching over us (thank you very much Stephanie for that awesome response!)

Then I started to hear the stories, one had a sister-in-law who lost her baby at 40 weeks - 1 day before her induction. Another's best friend just lost her 5 month old to SIDS. After class, the one mother caught up to me in the parking lot and again said how sorry she was for my loss. She said she didn't know me too well, but looked at me every week like "WOW, she has an amazing family." I had a beautiful daughter who would hug and kiss me goodbye before running into class with her friends, a loving husband who would drop in and peek in the windows on his way home from work, watch me pick up Kayla at the end of class, hug her, kiss her, and just laugh with her all the way out the door. You just never know, and she thought I was so strong. I laughed, I hardly ever feel strong anymore. I feel like I put up this front and I'm not actually the person that I am portraying. She said no, what you did tonight, talking about your little girl, that is being strong. That is being brave and telling people that you are human, and that once you had this other daughter who you love and miss, but feels her with you everyday. That is strong to be able to pull yourself out of bed everyday, attend to the child in front of you that needs you, to realize that even though you're angel is gone, you have to go on living. And that is so true.

So I guess I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I may cry everytime I get in the shower, I may get angry and scream why me?! I may have to look at my Memory Box everynight before going to bed, or count the weeks every Sunday that my baby has been gone. But that only makes me human, not weak.


I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Phillipians 4:13

5 months later...

So here I am, just passed the five month mark since Madison has left us. I don't feel any better, but I am able to make it through most of my day without crying and getting so depressed that I make myself sick. Everyday is hard, but I'm trying to just take it one day at a time. Most days I feel the hole in my heart is so deep that I cannot see the bottom. I am entering the "year of firsts", what my dear neighbor (who also lost a daughter due to a cord accident 30 years ago) calls it. I've gotten through Madison's due date, July 4th, Kayla's 3rd birthday, my birthday, the day I found out I was pregnant with her, Halloween. And many more are still to come. I've gotten through these, I will survive the rest, I know I will, but that doesn't mean it'll hurt any less. And that doesn't include every Sunday morning when I count the weeks she's been gone. 22 weeks now. 22 weeks. And the memories of that morning are still so vivid in my mind. But I get up every Sunday morning, go to church and try to seek comfort there. My faith has been weakened as I still try to understand the "why me, Lord? Why me?" My Pastor recently told me that "healing in grief is heart-based, not head-based".

I feel like my life has changed in so many ways. The friends I once had, suddenly are not around as much. It's sad, but I understand. I mean, I wouldn't know what to do or say, it would be hard to look at them and not want to break down and cry. What they don't understand is that I need a part of my old life, the friends that used to make me laugh at their goofiness, the need to hear their life problems, and the joys they are living. I need that, I cannot constantly dwell on the sadness in my life. I feel like everyday I wake up and put on this happy mask. I've heard from so many people that they admire me for being so strong. Why? Because I don't cry every minute? That doesn't mean that behind this mask is the hurt that I try so desperately to hide from everyone.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4