My first big step forward...

Last night I took Kayla to dance class and over the past two months have gotten to know some of the other Mothers pretty well. I felt really comfortable in the conversation so it didn't even dawn on me when I made a reference to being pregnant with Madison, they had no idea who I was talking about. One mother asked, "Oh, you have another daughter at home?" I felt stunned...I have been asked several times in the past few months how many children I have and I haven't felt comfortable enough to take that big step and talk about Madison. So if I didn't know the person and knew I wouldn't see them again, I'd say two. Otherwise, feeling guilty, I'd say just one. I didn't want to see that look on someone's face that I had grown accustomed to these past few months and the uncomfortable "oh, I'm so sorry". I still have problems talking to Erik and family without breaking down. I hated the fact that I felt like I was trying to not acknowledge her existence.

But last night was different. I finally found that strength that I've been so desperately seeking and said, "I have Kayla, and my other daughter was born silent at 36 weeks." Silence. And then came the uncomfortable looks. But I took a deep breath and said, "It's okay. I'm okay. We all are okay. Even though she wasn't part of our lives for very long, we are all blessed to have our "own little angel" watching over us (thank you very much Stephanie for that awesome response!)

Then I started to hear the stories, one had a sister-in-law who lost her baby at 40 weeks - 1 day before her induction. Another's best friend just lost her 5 month old to SIDS. After class, the one mother caught up to me in the parking lot and again said how sorry she was for my loss. She said she didn't know me too well, but looked at me every week like "WOW, she has an amazing family." I had a beautiful daughter who would hug and kiss me goodbye before running into class with her friends, a loving husband who would drop in and peek in the windows on his way home from work, watch me pick up Kayla at the end of class, hug her, kiss her, and just laugh with her all the way out the door. You just never know, and she thought I was so strong. I laughed, I hardly ever feel strong anymore. I feel like I put up this front and I'm not actually the person that I am portraying. She said no, what you did tonight, talking about your little girl, that is being strong. That is being brave and telling people that you are human, and that once you had this other daughter who you love and miss, but feels her with you everyday. That is strong to be able to pull yourself out of bed everyday, attend to the child in front of you that needs you, to realize that even though you're angel is gone, you have to go on living. And that is so true.

So I guess I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I may cry everytime I get in the shower, I may get angry and scream why me?! I may have to look at my Memory Box everynight before going to bed, or count the weeks every Sunday that my baby has been gone. But that only makes me human, not weak.


I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Phillipians 4:13