Has it really been a year?

At times it seems like yesterday, other times, a lifetime. It's been a year since we lost Madison. There were times when I wondered if I would ever survive, the pain and hurt being too unbearable. But here I am, I have survived my year of "firsts". The wound from my loss will continue to heal...slowly, but it will continue to heal.

I feel like people think that I should "be over it" or that I need to "get on with my life". But I'm not, and I can't. My life has taken a horrible wrong turn, one that I can't seem to find my way back. I'm so thankful to have some wonderful people in my life that continue to let me share my pain. Everytime I open up and share some of my pain, I'm letting a little more of the hurt, the anger, and the pain go. That's the way we heal, right? Day by day, little by little, for as long as it takes? The week leading up to Madison's angelversary date was painful, but I also was able to find some comfort in remembering what her kicks felt like, remembering the weight of her in my arms, remembering the smell of her precious head. I'm so thankful to be able to remember these things, and I pray that they will never go away.

As I start to enter my year of "seconds", of another year without Madison, I pray for a little more comfort, strength and healing. It's frustrating at my worst moments to see how far I still have to go. But as I read over this past years journal entries, I've realized how far I've come. Those first few months I was not able to see my future because so many of my plans included Madison. Now I'm able to look forward to the future, to watching Kayla grow up into a beautiful young girl. I couldn't do that before. I now know that I have to start rebuilding my life, a life without Madison, but a life knowing that I'm special to have my own personal angel.

Saturday, May 30th, was very special to me. I feel like that was the day that Madison left us. We did a balloon release, and I can't even describe how hard it was to let go of that balloon. I wanted to jump back up and grab it, thinking that if I could somehow get ahold of it again, I could also get ahold of Madison and bring her back to us. Crazy, I know. But that's how I felt. When we got home I felt so much pain. Then something white fluttered by my face. I looked on in amazement as a pure white butterfly fluttered around my living room, yes, inside my house. She landed on the kitchen wall where I just watched. I couldn't move. When I went running for my camera, she was gone. But I know she was there. About an hour later, Erik saw the butterfly too and let it go free in the back yard. I felt this overwhelming comfort, Madison had come home to let me know she was well and that she was with us during these hard times.

My Dear Madison, although our time together was brief, you will never be forgotten. You've been able to show me how to love and discover a strength I never knew I had. Please be with us in times of trouble and laughter, and continue to watch over us. Know that when you see my tears, they are tears of love.

We love you and miss you always,
Mommy, Daddy, Kayla