Goodbye 2009

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm ready for 2009 to be done and over with. If I ever thought my life had problems, I now know it was nothing compared to what me and my family has endured this past year. From Kayla being diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes to losing Madison and feeling like my whole life had ended. As I thought back to this past year's events, I couldn't think of anything good that had happened.

But then a friend of mine made me stop and think. I do have so much to be thankful for. And there are some happy memories. Most importantly, I have Kayla. If it wasn't for her beautiful smiling face and her extreme amount of energy that only a 3 year old exuberates, I'd be in a much worse place. She's kept me living when I wanted to die. Sometimes I just sit and listen, really listen to her. Her innocence is apparent through her make believe stories of fairies and friends and parties. I'm so happy that I'm able to be apart of her make believe world, to run and play tag and hide & seek. To watch her discover new things and learn everything her little mind can absorb. And despite the trials and tribulations we've had with her diabetes, she's taken everything in stride, has accepted things far easier than I have, and is just as healthy as any other 3 year old.

I am also very thankful for my loving husband Erik. I believe that losing Madison has brought us more closer and more aware of each other's feelings. At times I feel like he has no idea what I'm going through but then I have to stop and think. He hurts in his own way, expresses things in his own way, and at times may even hurt more when he has to see me hurting so much. We never want to see the ones we love hurt like this. I'm learning to open up more and listen to him, instead of thinking I'm the only one that feels this way. I may not always be able to say it or show it, but the support and love he has shown me means more than he'll ever know.

And obviously my loving family and friends. It's amazing what they have done for me. The doctor's and nurse staff were definately right, I have one hell of a support system with me. They are HEALing people. They are Here for me when I need them. They Empathize with me - they don't know what I'm going through, but they share my pain. They are Accepting - they never judge my actions or tell me how I should be feeling. They Listen - even if it means hearing my story over and over again. I won't lie, I've lost some friends through my journey, but I've also met some wonderful people (under the worst circumstances) that have helped me in my difficult healing process.

For all of these people in my life I am more thankful than I've ever been. I've learned not to take life lightly, to treasure every moment that we are together. So as we ring in this New Year, I look forward to everyone having a healthy and happy 2010!

Merry Christmas Madison

These past few days have been extremely rough. I miss you so very much. I keep thinking about how things "should have been." I wonder what you would look like, what the color of your eyes are, what your laugh sounds like. I keep pulling out pictures of Kayla at that age; I know you would've looked so much like her, absolutely beautiful. I can still feel the weight of you in my arms, at times I still feel your little kicks in my belly. I pray that those feelings never go away.

I know Christmas in Heaven is far greater than Christmas here on earth. But I'm a selfish mother, and would much rather have you here with me. I pray that you will be in my dreams tonight, and that you make your presence know tomorrow. Please, I pray that you continue to give me the strength I so desperately need to go on...to continue to watch over us and guide us down the right paths of life.

Merry Christmas baby girl, we miss you and love you so very much. You will always be my "Evangeline."

Just when you think you're taking a step forward

it seems you take 5 steps back. This past week has been especially rough, maybe because of the holidays. But it seems that there is always something there to remind me that I'm not complete. Not that I expect to be complete one day. I realize that one day this wound may heal, but I'll never feel complete. But this ovewhelming sadness that hits gets worse and worse at times. I was feeling stressed last week, which brought on feelings of feeling like I'm a failure. It seems that I can't do anything right, no matter how hard I try. I fail at relationships, I fail in my home life, I fail as a wife and mother. The other day I was sending out Christmas cards (no updates and cute messages to anyone this year), just a simple card with Kayla's beautiful picture on it. And it hit me, Madison should've been in this picture too. I can remember thinking last Easter that this would be Kayla's last holiday picture by herself. She'd have to share the spotlight with her baby sister. I visited Madison's grave that day, usually I go there and talk to her, tell her how much we miss her, what her big sister is up to, and just pray that she is watching over us. On this day I just sat and cried. I let it all out. The only words I could utter were "I'm sorry." I still feel such incredible guilt that somehow I did this to her. I guess as a Mother we always blame ourselves.

I once read somewhere that grief is like waves from a storm. They come at you, large and strong, constantly knocking you down. Most times you can't even pull yourself back up. Eventually they start coming smaller and slower, with one eventually trying to knock you back down again. But like Mother Nature, storms will always be there. I guess this is my new life, I'll have these feelings that keep knocking me down, but eventually I'll pull myself back up somehow. I have no choice. I didn't ask for this, I don't think I deserved this, but this is what life has dealt to me.

No one knows all the tears that are still in me. Because I pull myself out of bed everyday, go on with my daily tasks and paint that smile on my face, I'm sure they think I'm all better. I pray that things are better, but I know this storm is always lurking around the corner.

The holidays are so rough...

Thanksgiving down...Christmas to go. Wednesday was so horrible. We got down the Christmas decorations and I couldn't help but think about not having Madison in her swing, gazing at the lights like Kayla did on her first Christmas season. A year ago I kept thinking...next year at this time...then thinking about the holiday as a family of four. Daddy and his three girls. It hurt. And I can't help but feel that I let everyone down. Like Madison's death was my fault. I failed as a wife, and I failed as a mother. It's a horrible feeling. We visited Madison's grave Thanksgiving afternoon. We set out fresh flowers and the tiny snowglobe with her name on it. I looked around the cemetary and thought about the day we buried Madison. Everything was so different. Not only the green leaves and beautiful flowers, but I realized how much my life had changed over these past 6 months. Many friends seemed to disappear from my life, while a whole new group walked in. I feel like I've aged 10 years in my face and body. I feel like my smile that used to come so easily is now too often forced. And yet I looked up into the heavans and asked again..."Why me? What did I do to deserve this?" Because honestly, this is the worst thing I think ANYONE has to go through. I know life isn't fair, but this just seems to me to be a cruel, cruel trick to do to anyone.

As we left the cemetary, Kayla started telling us that she likes visiting her baby sister, that she brings her presents and plays with her. I don't know what she was talking about, she's too young to understand life and death. A few months ago when our dog caught a chipmunk and killed it, she thought Daddy could just fix him and everything would be okay again. Funny, I would give anything to be able to go back to that time that our minds were so innocent and didn't know loss. But I was comforted by her words, I know Madison is always with us...and I'm sure she does visit Kayla in her dreams.

Today is Madison's 6 month angelversary. 6 months since I felt her kicks, her life, her energy. And 6 months that I heard those dreaded words and lost a huge part of me. Part of my heart will always be empty, will always be lost. Nothing will ever fill that part again. So many nights I pray that we will be united very soon, then realize that day will have to wait. I still have my beautiful living angel here that needs me very much. And I need her.

Without you during the holiday

My Dearest Madison,

It hurts so much entering this holiday season without you. I hear the laughter and the energy of Kayla, so excited for the holidays. All that is missing is your cooing. Many days I wonder what you would look like, what color your eyes would be, the sound of your laughter and cries, your beautiful smile. It's really hurting me not having you here with us. I never thought I could be so excited for the holidays, yet dread them so much. I bought you a beautiful snowglobe with your name on it for your stone, and I will be placing it there tomorrow. I'm sure you'll love it. Kayla hasn't stopped playing with it since we bought it last week. Have you been visiting Kayla in her dreams? Several nights I have woken up to hear her laughing in her sleep, and I just know you are with her. She remembers you...tonight I was explaining how her great-grandma made several of these ornaments. When she asked where her great-grandma was, I told her she was in heavan. And she asked if she was with Madison. I'm sure she is! Please baby girl, help me get through this. I miss you and love you so very much!

Love Mommy

Little Reminders

Back in October I was going through such an awful funk. It was my birthday, October 15th, and I was so depressed. Friends and co-workers would laugh at me and say "Girl, you are not that old!" Little did they know that I wasn't even thinking of me, but yet again of my little Angel that I had lost. You see, it was exactly one year ago that I found out I was pregnant with Madison. How much hurt and sorrow I've experienced this past year was unbearable.

It also marked the 20 week aniversary that I lost Madison. It was a painful weekend and I pretty much kept to myself. No parties, no gifts, no birthday dinners. I awoke at 1:30am Sunday morning with low bloodsugar, so I went downstairs to eat something. As I sat on my couch in the dark eating a banana, I realized that this is where I sat exactly 20 weeks before, the exact same time, eating the exact same thing when I knew something wasn't right with Madison. At that moment Kayla's Fisher Price Activity Center starts going off in the corner, playing music, talking. I didn't really pay attention to it, just thought the batteries were running low and went upstairs to check on Kayla. She was sleeping peacefully, but was really warm and sweating through her head. This is nothing new, she's really warm-blooded and always sweats through her head. I lay back down, listening to this toy downstairs drive me crazy when I got this strange feeling. Something wasn't right, but I couldn't figure it out. For whatever reason I decided to get up and check Kayla's blood. She has never had a low overnight since her diagnosis last January, but on this particular night she was 69 which was way too low for a toddler! I woke her up and gave her some milk. I cuddled with her until her sugar was back up, then I noticed the toy downstairs had stopped going off. All was quiet and I had this weird sense of peace around me. I thought about Madison again and how it had been 20 weeks since I felt her kicks, since I gave birth to her, since I got to hold her in my arms. Yet this time I wasn't sad, because on this night, once again I got to feel her presence. She truly is our Angel!

I've also seen a white butterfly last week when I was in the yard, and yet again this week while taking Kayla to her first day of school. Even though I didn't get to push her in a carriage, or cuddle her into my neck as my older baby ran off for her first day of school, she was with us. It's November and cold...yet here was that single white butterfly that has made its presense so frequently this past summer and now into these chilly months.

I just continue to pray that Madison continues to make her presense known to me. It's comforting and the days that I just want to cry for my loss, I can instead feel blessed that I have an Angel watching over us.


Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

My first big step forward...

Last night I took Kayla to dance class and over the past two months have gotten to know some of the other Mothers pretty well. I felt really comfortable in the conversation so it didn't even dawn on me when I made a reference to being pregnant with Madison, they had no idea who I was talking about. One mother asked, "Oh, you have another daughter at home?" I felt stunned...I have been asked several times in the past few months how many children I have and I haven't felt comfortable enough to take that big step and talk about Madison. So if I didn't know the person and knew I wouldn't see them again, I'd say two. Otherwise, feeling guilty, I'd say just one. I didn't want to see that look on someone's face that I had grown accustomed to these past few months and the uncomfortable "oh, I'm so sorry". I still have problems talking to Erik and family without breaking down. I hated the fact that I felt like I was trying to not acknowledge her existence.

But last night was different. I finally found that strength that I've been so desperately seeking and said, "I have Kayla, and my other daughter was born silent at 36 weeks." Silence. And then came the uncomfortable looks. But I took a deep breath and said, "It's okay. I'm okay. We all are okay. Even though she wasn't part of our lives for very long, we are all blessed to have our "own little angel" watching over us (thank you very much Stephanie for that awesome response!)

Then I started to hear the stories, one had a sister-in-law who lost her baby at 40 weeks - 1 day before her induction. Another's best friend just lost her 5 month old to SIDS. After class, the one mother caught up to me in the parking lot and again said how sorry she was for my loss. She said she didn't know me too well, but looked at me every week like "WOW, she has an amazing family." I had a beautiful daughter who would hug and kiss me goodbye before running into class with her friends, a loving husband who would drop in and peek in the windows on his way home from work, watch me pick up Kayla at the end of class, hug her, kiss her, and just laugh with her all the way out the door. You just never know, and she thought I was so strong. I laughed, I hardly ever feel strong anymore. I feel like I put up this front and I'm not actually the person that I am portraying. She said no, what you did tonight, talking about your little girl, that is being strong. That is being brave and telling people that you are human, and that once you had this other daughter who you love and miss, but feels her with you everyday. That is strong to be able to pull yourself out of bed everyday, attend to the child in front of you that needs you, to realize that even though you're angel is gone, you have to go on living. And that is so true.

So I guess I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I may cry everytime I get in the shower, I may get angry and scream why me?! I may have to look at my Memory Box everynight before going to bed, or count the weeks every Sunday that my baby has been gone. But that only makes me human, not weak.


I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Phillipians 4:13