Has it really been a year?

At times it seems like yesterday, other times, a lifetime. It's been a year since we lost Madison. There were times when I wondered if I would ever survive, the pain and hurt being too unbearable. But here I am, I have survived my year of "firsts". The wound from my loss will continue to heal...slowly, but it will continue to heal.

I feel like people think that I should "be over it" or that I need to "get on with my life". But I'm not, and I can't. My life has taken a horrible wrong turn, one that I can't seem to find my way back. I'm so thankful to have some wonderful people in my life that continue to let me share my pain. Everytime I open up and share some of my pain, I'm letting a little more of the hurt, the anger, and the pain go. That's the way we heal, right? Day by day, little by little, for as long as it takes? The week leading up to Madison's angelversary date was painful, but I also was able to find some comfort in remembering what her kicks felt like, remembering the weight of her in my arms, remembering the smell of her precious head. I'm so thankful to be able to remember these things, and I pray that they will never go away.

As I start to enter my year of "seconds", of another year without Madison, I pray for a little more comfort, strength and healing. It's frustrating at my worst moments to see how far I still have to go. But as I read over this past years journal entries, I've realized how far I've come. Those first few months I was not able to see my future because so many of my plans included Madison. Now I'm able to look forward to the future, to watching Kayla grow up into a beautiful young girl. I couldn't do that before. I now know that I have to start rebuilding my life, a life without Madison, but a life knowing that I'm special to have my own personal angel.

Saturday, May 30th, was very special to me. I feel like that was the day that Madison left us. We did a balloon release, and I can't even describe how hard it was to let go of that balloon. I wanted to jump back up and grab it, thinking that if I could somehow get ahold of it again, I could also get ahold of Madison and bring her back to us. Crazy, I know. But that's how I felt. When we got home I felt so much pain. Then something white fluttered by my face. I looked on in amazement as a pure white butterfly fluttered around my living room, yes, inside my house. She landed on the kitchen wall where I just watched. I couldn't move. When I went running for my camera, she was gone. But I know she was there. About an hour later, Erik saw the butterfly too and let it go free in the back yard. I felt this overwhelming comfort, Madison had come home to let me know she was well and that she was with us during these hard times.

My Dear Madison, although our time together was brief, you will never be forgotten. You've been able to show me how to love and discover a strength I never knew I had. Please be with us in times of trouble and laughter, and continue to watch over us. Know that when you see my tears, they are tears of love.

We love you and miss you always,
Mommy, Daddy, Kayla

My first mother's day without Madison

May used to be one of the few months I always looked forward to. Spring is here, the warmer weather comes, there's beautiful flowers everywhere. How can you NOT love May? I HATE May. It's the one month I now dread more than any other month. I have building up such anxiety these past few weeks knowing that Mother's Day is around the corner, then just a few weeks later I'll have to deal with knowing that my Madison has now been gone from me for a whole year already. Why do I do this to myself? The anxiety of fearing what is to come is always much worse than the actual day itself. I should feel blessed that I do have a healthy, beautiful daughter still with me. A child here on earth that I will be able to celebrate with. But that empty part of my heart still and will always ache that I will never have Madison come running up to me, wrap those baby's chubby arms aroung my neck and give me those sweet hugs and kisses that I get so frequently from Kayla. Life is not fair (as I'm hearing all to often from my 3 year old these days) and I can't agree more. Then I think about the Mother's out there that continuously loose their children, or are not even blessed to have gone through the whole pregnancy experience themselves. Pregnancy is by far the best time in your life, when that baby is yours and yours alone to cherish. The kicks, the tumbles, the jabs to the ribs, the sleepless nights...how I miss that.

I remember as a little girl how I believed in fairy tales. I would lie in bed at night and imagine what my life would be like. The Prince Charming, the white pickett fence, the children and dogs and the house filled with love. I was told that if you believe in something and wanted something so badly, it would come true. Then you enter "real life" and suddenly realize that every turn you make there is an obstacle. Your fairy tale disappears. I know it's crazy, but it's hard to let go of that fairy tale. It's like I don't want to give up that last little bit of hope, of faith, that one day I will open my eyes from this horrible dream and my fairy tale of having my Kayla and Madison here with me would come true.

I am very thankful for what I do have. I look at Kayla everyday and realize what a miracle and blessing she truly is. And I would never, ever give up those 36 weeks that I carried Madison with me. Her brief time with me has shown me that there is more to life than material things. I have learned to treasure each moment we are together, to never forget the past, and take every moment and make it a memorable one. I am truly blessed to say that I have an angel watching over us, but sometimes it's just so hard not to be selfish and want her here with us.

Goodbye 2009

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm ready for 2009 to be done and over with. If I ever thought my life had problems, I now know it was nothing compared to what me and my family has endured this past year. From Kayla being diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes to losing Madison and feeling like my whole life had ended. As I thought back to this past year's events, I couldn't think of anything good that had happened.

But then a friend of mine made me stop and think. I do have so much to be thankful for. And there are some happy memories. Most importantly, I have Kayla. If it wasn't for her beautiful smiling face and her extreme amount of energy that only a 3 year old exuberates, I'd be in a much worse place. She's kept me living when I wanted to die. Sometimes I just sit and listen, really listen to her. Her innocence is apparent through her make believe stories of fairies and friends and parties. I'm so happy that I'm able to be apart of her make believe world, to run and play tag and hide & seek. To watch her discover new things and learn everything her little mind can absorb. And despite the trials and tribulations we've had with her diabetes, she's taken everything in stride, has accepted things far easier than I have, and is just as healthy as any other 3 year old.

I am also very thankful for my loving husband Erik. I believe that losing Madison has brought us more closer and more aware of each other's feelings. At times I feel like he has no idea what I'm going through but then I have to stop and think. He hurts in his own way, expresses things in his own way, and at times may even hurt more when he has to see me hurting so much. We never want to see the ones we love hurt like this. I'm learning to open up more and listen to him, instead of thinking I'm the only one that feels this way. I may not always be able to say it or show it, but the support and love he has shown me means more than he'll ever know.

And obviously my loving family and friends. It's amazing what they have done for me. The doctor's and nurse staff were definately right, I have one hell of a support system with me. They are HEALing people. They are Here for me when I need them. They Empathize with me - they don't know what I'm going through, but they share my pain. They are Accepting - they never judge my actions or tell me how I should be feeling. They Listen - even if it means hearing my story over and over again. I won't lie, I've lost some friends through my journey, but I've also met some wonderful people (under the worst circumstances) that have helped me in my difficult healing process.

For all of these people in my life I am more thankful than I've ever been. I've learned not to take life lightly, to treasure every moment that we are together. So as we ring in this New Year, I look forward to everyone having a healthy and happy 2010!

Merry Christmas Madison

These past few days have been extremely rough. I miss you so very much. I keep thinking about how things "should have been." I wonder what you would look like, what the color of your eyes are, what your laugh sounds like. I keep pulling out pictures of Kayla at that age; I know you would've looked so much like her, absolutely beautiful. I can still feel the weight of you in my arms, at times I still feel your little kicks in my belly. I pray that those feelings never go away.

I know Christmas in Heaven is far greater than Christmas here on earth. But I'm a selfish mother, and would much rather have you here with me. I pray that you will be in my dreams tonight, and that you make your presence know tomorrow. Please, I pray that you continue to give me the strength I so desperately need to go on...to continue to watch over us and guide us down the right paths of life.

Merry Christmas baby girl, we miss you and love you so very much. You will always be my "Evangeline."

Just when you think you're taking a step forward

it seems you take 5 steps back. This past week has been especially rough, maybe because of the holidays. But it seems that there is always something there to remind me that I'm not complete. Not that I expect to be complete one day. I realize that one day this wound may heal, but I'll never feel complete. But this ovewhelming sadness that hits gets worse and worse at times. I was feeling stressed last week, which brought on feelings of feeling like I'm a failure. It seems that I can't do anything right, no matter how hard I try. I fail at relationships, I fail in my home life, I fail as a wife and mother. The other day I was sending out Christmas cards (no updates and cute messages to anyone this year), just a simple card with Kayla's beautiful picture on it. And it hit me, Madison should've been in this picture too. I can remember thinking last Easter that this would be Kayla's last holiday picture by herself. She'd have to share the spotlight with her baby sister. I visited Madison's grave that day, usually I go there and talk to her, tell her how much we miss her, what her big sister is up to, and just pray that she is watching over us. On this day I just sat and cried. I let it all out. The only words I could utter were "I'm sorry." I still feel such incredible guilt that somehow I did this to her. I guess as a Mother we always blame ourselves.

I once read somewhere that grief is like waves from a storm. They come at you, large and strong, constantly knocking you down. Most times you can't even pull yourself back up. Eventually they start coming smaller and slower, with one eventually trying to knock you back down again. But like Mother Nature, storms will always be there. I guess this is my new life, I'll have these feelings that keep knocking me down, but eventually I'll pull myself back up somehow. I have no choice. I didn't ask for this, I don't think I deserved this, but this is what life has dealt to me.

No one knows all the tears that are still in me. Because I pull myself out of bed everyday, go on with my daily tasks and paint that smile on my face, I'm sure they think I'm all better. I pray that things are better, but I know this storm is always lurking around the corner.

The holidays are so rough...

Thanksgiving down...Christmas to go. Wednesday was so horrible. We got down the Christmas decorations and I couldn't help but think about not having Madison in her swing, gazing at the lights like Kayla did on her first Christmas season. A year ago I kept thinking...next year at this time...then thinking about the holiday as a family of four. Daddy and his three girls. It hurt. And I can't help but feel that I let everyone down. Like Madison's death was my fault. I failed as a wife, and I failed as a mother. It's a horrible feeling. We visited Madison's grave Thanksgiving afternoon. We set out fresh flowers and the tiny snowglobe with her name on it. I looked around the cemetary and thought about the day we buried Madison. Everything was so different. Not only the green leaves and beautiful flowers, but I realized how much my life had changed over these past 6 months. Many friends seemed to disappear from my life, while a whole new group walked in. I feel like I've aged 10 years in my face and body. I feel like my smile that used to come so easily is now too often forced. And yet I looked up into the heavans and asked again..."Why me? What did I do to deserve this?" Because honestly, this is the worst thing I think ANYONE has to go through. I know life isn't fair, but this just seems to me to be a cruel, cruel trick to do to anyone.

As we left the cemetary, Kayla started telling us that she likes visiting her baby sister, that she brings her presents and plays with her. I don't know what she was talking about, she's too young to understand life and death. A few months ago when our dog caught a chipmunk and killed it, she thought Daddy could just fix him and everything would be okay again. Funny, I would give anything to be able to go back to that time that our minds were so innocent and didn't know loss. But I was comforted by her words, I know Madison is always with us...and I'm sure she does visit Kayla in her dreams.

Today is Madison's 6 month angelversary. 6 months since I felt her kicks, her life, her energy. And 6 months that I heard those dreaded words and lost a huge part of me. Part of my heart will always be empty, will always be lost. Nothing will ever fill that part again. So many nights I pray that we will be united very soon, then realize that day will have to wait. I still have my beautiful living angel here that needs me very much. And I need her.

Without you during the holiday

My Dearest Madison,

It hurts so much entering this holiday season without you. I hear the laughter and the energy of Kayla, so excited for the holidays. All that is missing is your cooing. Many days I wonder what you would look like, what color your eyes would be, the sound of your laughter and cries, your beautiful smile. It's really hurting me not having you here with us. I never thought I could be so excited for the holidays, yet dread them so much. I bought you a beautiful snowglobe with your name on it for your stone, and I will be placing it there tomorrow. I'm sure you'll love it. Kayla hasn't stopped playing with it since we bought it last week. Have you been visiting Kayla in her dreams? Several nights I have woken up to hear her laughing in her sleep, and I just know you are with her. She remembers you...tonight I was explaining how her great-grandma made several of these ornaments. When she asked where her great-grandma was, I told her she was in heavan. And she asked if she was with Madison. I'm sure she is! Please baby girl, help me get through this. I miss you and love you so very much!

Love Mommy