Little Reminders

Back in October I was going through such an awful funk. It was my birthday, October 15th, and I was so depressed. Friends and co-workers would laugh at me and say "Girl, you are not that old!" Little did they know that I wasn't even thinking of me, but yet again of my little Angel that I had lost. You see, it was exactly one year ago that I found out I was pregnant with Madison. How much hurt and sorrow I've experienced this past year was unbearable.

It also marked the 20 week aniversary that I lost Madison. It was a painful weekend and I pretty much kept to myself. No parties, no gifts, no birthday dinners. I awoke at 1:30am Sunday morning with low bloodsugar, so I went downstairs to eat something. As I sat on my couch in the dark eating a banana, I realized that this is where I sat exactly 20 weeks before, the exact same time, eating the exact same thing when I knew something wasn't right with Madison. At that moment Kayla's Fisher Price Activity Center starts going off in the corner, playing music, talking. I didn't really pay attention to it, just thought the batteries were running low and went upstairs to check on Kayla. She was sleeping peacefully, but was really warm and sweating through her head. This is nothing new, she's really warm-blooded and always sweats through her head. I lay back down, listening to this toy downstairs drive me crazy when I got this strange feeling. Something wasn't right, but I couldn't figure it out. For whatever reason I decided to get up and check Kayla's blood. She has never had a low overnight since her diagnosis last January, but on this particular night she was 69 which was way too low for a toddler! I woke her up and gave her some milk. I cuddled with her until her sugar was back up, then I noticed the toy downstairs had stopped going off. All was quiet and I had this weird sense of peace around me. I thought about Madison again and how it had been 20 weeks since I felt her kicks, since I gave birth to her, since I got to hold her in my arms. Yet this time I wasn't sad, because on this night, once again I got to feel her presence. She truly is our Angel!

I've also seen a white butterfly last week when I was in the yard, and yet again this week while taking Kayla to her first day of school. Even though I didn't get to push her in a carriage, or cuddle her into my neck as my older baby ran off for her first day of school, she was with us. It's November and cold...yet here was that single white butterfly that has made its presense so frequently this past summer and now into these chilly months.

I just continue to pray that Madison continues to make her presense known to me. It's comforting and the days that I just want to cry for my loss, I can instead feel blessed that I have an Angel watching over us.


Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5