Two Years Without You

Madison,

Your two year angelversary is already here upon us. Where did the time go? I can still see the dreams I had for you. You should be learning to ride a tricycle this summer, following Kayla everywhere, and jumping into my outstretched arms. Instead, there will be one less bike out this summer, a white butterfly chasing Kayla, and an empty spot in my arms.

Not a day goes by that I don't still think of you. I thought with time it would get easier. Sure, the tears don't flow as often as they used to, but the ache in my heart is just as painful today as it was two years ago.

You have given me the most beautiful gift this year, your baby sister Emmalyn. She looks just like you, so amazingly beautiful. I thank you so much for watching over her and bringing her into my arms healthy.

I recently saw this and thought it was perfect: "Rainbow Baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and hope." I think this describes the gift of Emmalyn perfectly.

Madison, you will never be replaced. Although there is an empty place in my arms, you will always be in my heart. You ARE love, and you ARE loved. One day I will be able to look into your eyes, see your smile, and feel your arms around me. But until that day, I will continue to look for the white butterflies, I will continue to talk about you, and I will continue to keep your memories alive within my heart.

Love always,
Mommy

18 months...

It's been 6 months since I last checked in and so much has happened. I last wrote about finally finding some peace after Madison's angelversary date came and left. I was finally able to let go of the constant sadness I felt, the guilt, anger and even fear. After being visited by that beautiful white butterfly the night before, I knew Madison was telling me it's time to start living again.

And then not even 3 weeks later I got the most shocking news...that I'm pregnant! Most women would be thrilled to get news lie this. But obviously I had a much different response. I cried tears of fear. How could I not be happy to be blessed with such a miracle once again? But all those dreadful memories of May 31, 2009 came rushing back, along with the roller coaster ride I had been on this past year. How was I supposed to get through these next 9 months? What if this happens again? How can I possibly do this?

But as I learned sometimes things happen in life that lead you somewhere else or help answer questions that have not been answered for too long. I once again was sent to the ATU to meet with the high risk doctors. This time I got a new doctor, one that had reviewed all my ultrasound pictures and tapes, read through countless reports and test results. He sat Erik and I down and explained to us that he believes what happened with Madison was a cord accident and not a result of my being diabetic, despite what I had been told. I was too well controlled and he thought she simply layed on the cord. What? I was finally getting an answer? And one that wasn't blaming me because of my unfortunate luck of being diabetic?

Filnding this out did not help with the pain you feel when you've lost a child, but that heaviness that weighed so heavily on my heart had just lightened.

Now, here I am 26 weeks into this pregnancy. I have had a smorgasboard of diffrent emotions from being excited to feeling like I am betraying Madison by entering another stage in my life.

I have a wonderful support group surrounding me. Friends I had thought I lost, new friends that have experienced the same grief, excellent doctors that understand my frantic calls to be seen immediately. I finally got the courage to cut all ties to the negative people in my life, the ones that made the horrible comments about Madison not being a "real baby" or constantly questioning my sanity.

I try to just live day be day for right now. Not focusing on the future, but just the here and now. One day might be rougher than the last, but if I try to just get through this one day, then that's a huge accomplishment.

What many people don't realize, and what any parent who has lost a child knows, is that worry and doubt are my two constant companions through these next few months. It has been with me since I got the positive on the pregnancy test, and it will be with me until I am holding my living, breathing baby in my arms. But once when I thought my life was going to be hell, I now live for hope...hope with a heartbeat.

Has it really been a year?

At times it seems like yesterday, other times, a lifetime. It's been a year since we lost Madison. There were times when I wondered if I would ever survive, the pain and hurt being too unbearable. But here I am, I have survived my year of "firsts". The wound from my loss will continue to heal...slowly, but it will continue to heal.

I feel like people think that I should "be over it" or that I need to "get on with my life". But I'm not, and I can't. My life has taken a horrible wrong turn, one that I can't seem to find my way back. I'm so thankful to have some wonderful people in my life that continue to let me share my pain. Everytime I open up and share some of my pain, I'm letting a little more of the hurt, the anger, and the pain go. That's the way we heal, right? Day by day, little by little, for as long as it takes? The week leading up to Madison's angelversary date was painful, but I also was able to find some comfort in remembering what her kicks felt like, remembering the weight of her in my arms, remembering the smell of her precious head. I'm so thankful to be able to remember these things, and I pray that they will never go away.

As I start to enter my year of "seconds", of another year without Madison, I pray for a little more comfort, strength and healing. It's frustrating at my worst moments to see how far I still have to go. But as I read over this past years journal entries, I've realized how far I've come. Those first few months I was not able to see my future because so many of my plans included Madison. Now I'm able to look forward to the future, to watching Kayla grow up into a beautiful young girl. I couldn't do that before. I now know that I have to start rebuilding my life, a life without Madison, but a life knowing that I'm special to have my own personal angel.

Saturday, May 30th, was very special to me. I feel like that was the day that Madison left us. We did a balloon release, and I can't even describe how hard it was to let go of that balloon. I wanted to jump back up and grab it, thinking that if I could somehow get ahold of it again, I could also get ahold of Madison and bring her back to us. Crazy, I know. But that's how I felt. When we got home I felt so much pain. Then something white fluttered by my face. I looked on in amazement as a pure white butterfly fluttered around my living room, yes, inside my house. She landed on the kitchen wall where I just watched. I couldn't move. When I went running for my camera, she was gone. But I know she was there. About an hour later, Erik saw the butterfly too and let it go free in the back yard. I felt this overwhelming comfort, Madison had come home to let me know she was well and that she was with us during these hard times.

My Dear Madison, although our time together was brief, you will never be forgotten. You've been able to show me how to love and discover a strength I never knew I had. Please be with us in times of trouble and laughter, and continue to watch over us. Know that when you see my tears, they are tears of love.

We love you and miss you always,
Mommy, Daddy, Kayla

My first mother's day without Madison

May used to be one of the few months I always looked forward to. Spring is here, the warmer weather comes, there's beautiful flowers everywhere. How can you NOT love May? I HATE May. It's the one month I now dread more than any other month. I have building up such anxiety these past few weeks knowing that Mother's Day is around the corner, then just a few weeks later I'll have to deal with knowing that my Madison has now been gone from me for a whole year already. Why do I do this to myself? The anxiety of fearing what is to come is always much worse than the actual day itself. I should feel blessed that I do have a healthy, beautiful daughter still with me. A child here on earth that I will be able to celebrate with. But that empty part of my heart still and will always ache that I will never have Madison come running up to me, wrap those baby's chubby arms aroung my neck and give me those sweet hugs and kisses that I get so frequently from Kayla. Life is not fair (as I'm hearing all to often from my 3 year old these days) and I can't agree more. Then I think about the Mother's out there that continuously loose their children, or are not even blessed to have gone through the whole pregnancy experience themselves. Pregnancy is by far the best time in your life, when that baby is yours and yours alone to cherish. The kicks, the tumbles, the jabs to the ribs, the sleepless nights...how I miss that.

I remember as a little girl how I believed in fairy tales. I would lie in bed at night and imagine what my life would be like. The Prince Charming, the white pickett fence, the children and dogs and the house filled with love. I was told that if you believe in something and wanted something so badly, it would come true. Then you enter "real life" and suddenly realize that every turn you make there is an obstacle. Your fairy tale disappears. I know it's crazy, but it's hard to let go of that fairy tale. It's like I don't want to give up that last little bit of hope, of faith, that one day I will open my eyes from this horrible dream and my fairy tale of having my Kayla and Madison here with me would come true.

I am very thankful for what I do have. I look at Kayla everyday and realize what a miracle and blessing she truly is. And I would never, ever give up those 36 weeks that I carried Madison with me. Her brief time with me has shown me that there is more to life than material things. I have learned to treasure each moment we are together, to never forget the past, and take every moment and make it a memorable one. I am truly blessed to say that I have an angel watching over us, but sometimes it's just so hard not to be selfish and want her here with us.

Goodbye 2009

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm ready for 2009 to be done and over with. If I ever thought my life had problems, I now know it was nothing compared to what me and my family has endured this past year. From Kayla being diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes to losing Madison and feeling like my whole life had ended. As I thought back to this past year's events, I couldn't think of anything good that had happened.

But then a friend of mine made me stop and think. I do have so much to be thankful for. And there are some happy memories. Most importantly, I have Kayla. If it wasn't for her beautiful smiling face and her extreme amount of energy that only a 3 year old exuberates, I'd be in a much worse place. She's kept me living when I wanted to die. Sometimes I just sit and listen, really listen to her. Her innocence is apparent through her make believe stories of fairies and friends and parties. I'm so happy that I'm able to be apart of her make believe world, to run and play tag and hide & seek. To watch her discover new things and learn everything her little mind can absorb. And despite the trials and tribulations we've had with her diabetes, she's taken everything in stride, has accepted things far easier than I have, and is just as healthy as any other 3 year old.

I am also very thankful for my loving husband Erik. I believe that losing Madison has brought us more closer and more aware of each other's feelings. At times I feel like he has no idea what I'm going through but then I have to stop and think. He hurts in his own way, expresses things in his own way, and at times may even hurt more when he has to see me hurting so much. We never want to see the ones we love hurt like this. I'm learning to open up more and listen to him, instead of thinking I'm the only one that feels this way. I may not always be able to say it or show it, but the support and love he has shown me means more than he'll ever know.

And obviously my loving family and friends. It's amazing what they have done for me. The doctor's and nurse staff were definately right, I have one hell of a support system with me. They are HEALing people. They are Here for me when I need them. They Empathize with me - they don't know what I'm going through, but they share my pain. They are Accepting - they never judge my actions or tell me how I should be feeling. They Listen - even if it means hearing my story over and over again. I won't lie, I've lost some friends through my journey, but I've also met some wonderful people (under the worst circumstances) that have helped me in my difficult healing process.

For all of these people in my life I am more thankful than I've ever been. I've learned not to take life lightly, to treasure every moment that we are together. So as we ring in this New Year, I look forward to everyone having a healthy and happy 2010!

Merry Christmas Madison

These past few days have been extremely rough. I miss you so very much. I keep thinking about how things "should have been." I wonder what you would look like, what the color of your eyes are, what your laugh sounds like. I keep pulling out pictures of Kayla at that age; I know you would've looked so much like her, absolutely beautiful. I can still feel the weight of you in my arms, at times I still feel your little kicks in my belly. I pray that those feelings never go away.

I know Christmas in Heaven is far greater than Christmas here on earth. But I'm a selfish mother, and would much rather have you here with me. I pray that you will be in my dreams tonight, and that you make your presence know tomorrow. Please, I pray that you continue to give me the strength I so desperately need to go on...to continue to watch over us and guide us down the right paths of life.

Merry Christmas baby girl, we miss you and love you so very much. You will always be my "Evangeline."

Just when you think you're taking a step forward

it seems you take 5 steps back. This past week has been especially rough, maybe because of the holidays. But it seems that there is always something there to remind me that I'm not complete. Not that I expect to be complete one day. I realize that one day this wound may heal, but I'll never feel complete. But this ovewhelming sadness that hits gets worse and worse at times. I was feeling stressed last week, which brought on feelings of feeling like I'm a failure. It seems that I can't do anything right, no matter how hard I try. I fail at relationships, I fail in my home life, I fail as a wife and mother. The other day I was sending out Christmas cards (no updates and cute messages to anyone this year), just a simple card with Kayla's beautiful picture on it. And it hit me, Madison should've been in this picture too. I can remember thinking last Easter that this would be Kayla's last holiday picture by herself. She'd have to share the spotlight with her baby sister. I visited Madison's grave that day, usually I go there and talk to her, tell her how much we miss her, what her big sister is up to, and just pray that she is watching over us. On this day I just sat and cried. I let it all out. The only words I could utter were "I'm sorry." I still feel such incredible guilt that somehow I did this to her. I guess as a Mother we always blame ourselves.

I once read somewhere that grief is like waves from a storm. They come at you, large and strong, constantly knocking you down. Most times you can't even pull yourself back up. Eventually they start coming smaller and slower, with one eventually trying to knock you back down again. But like Mother Nature, storms will always be there. I guess this is my new life, I'll have these feelings that keep knocking me down, but eventually I'll pull myself back up somehow. I have no choice. I didn't ask for this, I don't think I deserved this, but this is what life has dealt to me.

No one knows all the tears that are still in me. Because I pull myself out of bed everyday, go on with my daily tasks and paint that smile on my face, I'm sure they think I'm all better. I pray that things are better, but I know this storm is always lurking around the corner.

The holidays are so rough...

Thanksgiving down...Christmas to go. Wednesday was so horrible. We got down the Christmas decorations and I couldn't help but think about not having Madison in her swing, gazing at the lights like Kayla did on her first Christmas season. A year ago I kept thinking...next year at this time...then thinking about the holiday as a family of four. Daddy and his three girls. It hurt. And I can't help but feel that I let everyone down. Like Madison's death was my fault. I failed as a wife, and I failed as a mother. It's a horrible feeling. We visited Madison's grave Thanksgiving afternoon. We set out fresh flowers and the tiny snowglobe with her name on it. I looked around the cemetary and thought about the day we buried Madison. Everything was so different. Not only the green leaves and beautiful flowers, but I realized how much my life had changed over these past 6 months. Many friends seemed to disappear from my life, while a whole new group walked in. I feel like I've aged 10 years in my face and body. I feel like my smile that used to come so easily is now too often forced. And yet I looked up into the heavans and asked again..."Why me? What did I do to deserve this?" Because honestly, this is the worst thing I think ANYONE has to go through. I know life isn't fair, but this just seems to me to be a cruel, cruel trick to do to anyone.

As we left the cemetary, Kayla started telling us that she likes visiting her baby sister, that she brings her presents and plays with her. I don't know what she was talking about, she's too young to understand life and death. A few months ago when our dog caught a chipmunk and killed it, she thought Daddy could just fix him and everything would be okay again. Funny, I would give anything to be able to go back to that time that our minds were so innocent and didn't know loss. But I was comforted by her words, I know Madison is always with us...and I'm sure she does visit Kayla in her dreams.

Today is Madison's 6 month angelversary. 6 months since I felt her kicks, her life, her energy. And 6 months that I heard those dreaded words and lost a huge part of me. Part of my heart will always be empty, will always be lost. Nothing will ever fill that part again. So many nights I pray that we will be united very soon, then realize that day will have to wait. I still have my beautiful living angel here that needs me very much. And I need her.

Without you during the holiday

My Dearest Madison,

It hurts so much entering this holiday season without you. I hear the laughter and the energy of Kayla, so excited for the holidays. All that is missing is your cooing. Many days I wonder what you would look like, what color your eyes would be, the sound of your laughter and cries, your beautiful smile. It's really hurting me not having you here with us. I never thought I could be so excited for the holidays, yet dread them so much. I bought you a beautiful snowglobe with your name on it for your stone, and I will be placing it there tomorrow. I'm sure you'll love it. Kayla hasn't stopped playing with it since we bought it last week. Have you been visiting Kayla in her dreams? Several nights I have woken up to hear her laughing in her sleep, and I just know you are with her. She remembers you...tonight I was explaining how her great-grandma made several of these ornaments. When she asked where her great-grandma was, I told her she was in heavan. And she asked if she was with Madison. I'm sure she is! Please baby girl, help me get through this. I miss you and love you so very much!

Love Mommy

Little Reminders

Back in October I was going through such an awful funk. It was my birthday, October 15th, and I was so depressed. Friends and co-workers would laugh at me and say "Girl, you are not that old!" Little did they know that I wasn't even thinking of me, but yet again of my little Angel that I had lost. You see, it was exactly one year ago that I found out I was pregnant with Madison. How much hurt and sorrow I've experienced this past year was unbearable.

It also marked the 20 week aniversary that I lost Madison. It was a painful weekend and I pretty much kept to myself. No parties, no gifts, no birthday dinners. I awoke at 1:30am Sunday morning with low bloodsugar, so I went downstairs to eat something. As I sat on my couch in the dark eating a banana, I realized that this is where I sat exactly 20 weeks before, the exact same time, eating the exact same thing when I knew something wasn't right with Madison. At that moment Kayla's Fisher Price Activity Center starts going off in the corner, playing music, talking. I didn't really pay attention to it, just thought the batteries were running low and went upstairs to check on Kayla. She was sleeping peacefully, but was really warm and sweating through her head. This is nothing new, she's really warm-blooded and always sweats through her head. I lay back down, listening to this toy downstairs drive me crazy when I got this strange feeling. Something wasn't right, but I couldn't figure it out. For whatever reason I decided to get up and check Kayla's blood. She has never had a low overnight since her diagnosis last January, but on this particular night she was 69 which was way too low for a toddler! I woke her up and gave her some milk. I cuddled with her until her sugar was back up, then I noticed the toy downstairs had stopped going off. All was quiet and I had this weird sense of peace around me. I thought about Madison again and how it had been 20 weeks since I felt her kicks, since I gave birth to her, since I got to hold her in my arms. Yet this time I wasn't sad, because on this night, once again I got to feel her presence. She truly is our Angel!

I've also seen a white butterfly last week when I was in the yard, and yet again this week while taking Kayla to her first day of school. Even though I didn't get to push her in a carriage, or cuddle her into my neck as my older baby ran off for her first day of school, she was with us. It's November and cold...yet here was that single white butterfly that has made its presense so frequently this past summer and now into these chilly months.

I just continue to pray that Madison continues to make her presense known to me. It's comforting and the days that I just want to cry for my loss, I can instead feel blessed that I have an Angel watching over us.


Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

My first big step forward...

Last night I took Kayla to dance class and over the past two months have gotten to know some of the other Mothers pretty well. I felt really comfortable in the conversation so it didn't even dawn on me when I made a reference to being pregnant with Madison, they had no idea who I was talking about. One mother asked, "Oh, you have another daughter at home?" I felt stunned...I have been asked several times in the past few months how many children I have and I haven't felt comfortable enough to take that big step and talk about Madison. So if I didn't know the person and knew I wouldn't see them again, I'd say two. Otherwise, feeling guilty, I'd say just one. I didn't want to see that look on someone's face that I had grown accustomed to these past few months and the uncomfortable "oh, I'm so sorry". I still have problems talking to Erik and family without breaking down. I hated the fact that I felt like I was trying to not acknowledge her existence.

But last night was different. I finally found that strength that I've been so desperately seeking and said, "I have Kayla, and my other daughter was born silent at 36 weeks." Silence. And then came the uncomfortable looks. But I took a deep breath and said, "It's okay. I'm okay. We all are okay. Even though she wasn't part of our lives for very long, we are all blessed to have our "own little angel" watching over us (thank you very much Stephanie for that awesome response!)

Then I started to hear the stories, one had a sister-in-law who lost her baby at 40 weeks - 1 day before her induction. Another's best friend just lost her 5 month old to SIDS. After class, the one mother caught up to me in the parking lot and again said how sorry she was for my loss. She said she didn't know me too well, but looked at me every week like "WOW, she has an amazing family." I had a beautiful daughter who would hug and kiss me goodbye before running into class with her friends, a loving husband who would drop in and peek in the windows on his way home from work, watch me pick up Kayla at the end of class, hug her, kiss her, and just laugh with her all the way out the door. You just never know, and she thought I was so strong. I laughed, I hardly ever feel strong anymore. I feel like I put up this front and I'm not actually the person that I am portraying. She said no, what you did tonight, talking about your little girl, that is being strong. That is being brave and telling people that you are human, and that once you had this other daughter who you love and miss, but feels her with you everyday. That is strong to be able to pull yourself out of bed everyday, attend to the child in front of you that needs you, to realize that even though you're angel is gone, you have to go on living. And that is so true.

So I guess I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I may cry everytime I get in the shower, I may get angry and scream why me?! I may have to look at my Memory Box everynight before going to bed, or count the weeks every Sunday that my baby has been gone. But that only makes me human, not weak.


I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Phillipians 4:13

5 months later...

So here I am, just passed the five month mark since Madison has left us. I don't feel any better, but I am able to make it through most of my day without crying and getting so depressed that I make myself sick. Everyday is hard, but I'm trying to just take it one day at a time. Most days I feel the hole in my heart is so deep that I cannot see the bottom. I am entering the "year of firsts", what my dear neighbor (who also lost a daughter due to a cord accident 30 years ago) calls it. I've gotten through Madison's due date, July 4th, Kayla's 3rd birthday, my birthday, the day I found out I was pregnant with her, Halloween. And many more are still to come. I've gotten through these, I will survive the rest, I know I will, but that doesn't mean it'll hurt any less. And that doesn't include every Sunday morning when I count the weeks she's been gone. 22 weeks now. 22 weeks. And the memories of that morning are still so vivid in my mind. But I get up every Sunday morning, go to church and try to seek comfort there. My faith has been weakened as I still try to understand the "why me, Lord? Why me?" My Pastor recently told me that "healing in grief is heart-based, not head-based".

I feel like my life has changed in so many ways. The friends I once had, suddenly are not around as much. It's sad, but I understand. I mean, I wouldn't know what to do or say, it would be hard to look at them and not want to break down and cry. What they don't understand is that I need a part of my old life, the friends that used to make me laugh at their goofiness, the need to hear their life problems, and the joys they are living. I need that, I cannot constantly dwell on the sadness in my life. I feel like everyday I wake up and put on this happy mask. I've heard from so many people that they admire me for being so strong. Why? Because I don't cry every minute? That doesn't mean that behind this mask is the hurt that I try so desperately to hide from everyone.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

Here we go again...

The time had come when I caught the baby fever and was ready for another adventure. This time it only took me 3 months to conceive, but oh, what a long three months those were. It seemed like everyone around me was getting pregnant and I braced myself for yet another long, difficult journey. Three days after my 34th birthday I took a pregnancy test - and it was positive. I broke down crying, taking pictures of my pee stick and all the while thinking this was the best birthday present ever. I patiently waited until the holidays to tell everyone that Kayla would soon be a big sister.

This pregnancy was so different than my first. I barely gained weight, my face broke out, my hormones turned me into a crazy woman. But I took it all in stride, I loved being pregnant and all that came with it. Although I do feel guilty now that I didn't get to enjoy it as much as I did when I was pregnant with Kayla. First of all, Kayla got a real bad case of the flu between Christmas and New Years. Fever, nonstop vomiting, dehydration, etc. On top of constantly being tired, my body was wiped out and I started to get sick. Two weeks after everyone getting better, I noticed Kayla drinking a juice box. Kayla does not like juice, I don't even know how long it had been sitting in the cupboard. Within 15 minutes she was drinking a second. I swear I must have incredible mother's intuition because instantly I knew something was wrong. I grabbed my glucometer and checked her sugar and nearly passed out - 472. My heart dropped. I had contracted type 1 diabetes at the age of 14 - the doctors believe I had caught a certain strain of virus which shut down my pancreas. I was not overweight, very active in sports, no history of any diabetes in my family - yet there I was giving myself multiple injections everyday and pricking my finger 8x's a day. Kayla had no symptons that I had (extreme thirst, constant urination, being excessively tired and losing 15 lbs from dehydration). Yet I knew. We rushed her to Children's Hospital of Philadelphia were they formally diagnosed her as having juvenile diabetes. Can you understand as a mother what that does to you? I felt such extreme guilt because somehow I know I did this to her. The doctors said there was no chance that she would get it, yet how is it possible that she caught some strange strain of virus that shut down her pancreas too? Everyone kept telling me that God chose Kayla because I was such a good example on how to manage your diabetes and there are so many parents out there that don't understand or help take care of their children's diabetes. I understood that, but I didn't want to see Kayla go through what I knew was yet to come. She has been a champ, I must admit. Checks her own blood now, doesn't run from her injections. It's just so very sad for a mother to see their child have to go through this. Unfortunately, I was so occupied trying to control Kayla, that I didn't get to enjoy my pregnancy more...

Everything was going great. I had my last u/s appointment May 28th where the high risk doctor told me everything was perfect, plenty of fluid, nothing leaking, all was great. The next day I went for me tri-weekly NST and the doctor was amazed at how active Madison was - especially after Kayla layed against my belly and sang "Twinkle Twinkle" to baby sister. Madison loved to hear Kayla sing that song. It breaks my heart to hear her sing that song anymore...

Saturday the 30th we spent the day at the neighborhood yard sale to support autism. It's unbelievable the amount of comments that were made that day about my jumping shirt - that's how strong her little kicks were! That next morning at 1:30am I jumped up out of bed. Again, my mother's intuition kicked in and I instantly felt like something wasn't right. Madison would always wake me up around 1:30am, had been for over 3 months now. Yet I felt nothing. I drank warm milk, ate a banana, ate a cookie...everything I knew to do to get some movement and there was nothing. I woke up Erik, wrapped Kayla in a blanket and raced off to the hospital. The nurses kept trying to reassure me that this happens all the time, not to worry.

There was a faint heartbeat which I swore was Madison's since it sounded so calm and mine felt like it was beating a mile a minute. But when they pulled up Madison on the screen, my heart broke. There was no movement. Just stillness. The doctor turned to me and said I'm sorry, but there's no heartbeat. Never in a million worlds did I think anything like this could ever happen to me. Why God, Why? Did you not think I was a good enough mother? What could I have possibly done to deserve this?

They moved me into a private room, where I opted to start the induction immediately. I had been pretty strong (outwards) up to this point, but when my Mom came into the room, I lost it. Oh how I longed to be a little child again when everything seemed to be fine in my mother's arms. How those arms always seemed to make everything better, but I knew this time they wouldn't. They held so much comfort and love, but she couldn't be able to bring back Madison, no matter how much I prayed.

13 hours later, at 9:31pm on May 31st, 2009, Madison Hope Soucy was born silently sleeping. I can clearly remember how quiet the room was as they gently layed her on my chest. This should have been such a happy time, instead I was holding my quiet little angel. It kills me to think that I'll never know what color her eyes were, I'll never see her smile or hear her laugh and giggle.

That final day at the hospital, saying goodbye to Madison for the final time, was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The nurse kept asking if she should come back and I'd tell her no, but couldn't hand Madison back to her. I kept the blanket and cap that she had been wrapped up in, and the hospital was great. They provided me with a Memory Box which contained her hand and footprints, a lock of her hair, and many pictures of her. They also gave us a camera to take our own pictures, but I have not yet been strong enough to get them developed.

I went through the guilt that is associated with such a loss, I blamed myself, I blamed the doctors, I blamed Erik, anyone I could possibly think of. What did I do? What did I eat? What did I touch? We had an autopsy done, but it came back inconclusive. Her organs were normal, wasn't genetic, wasn't viral. Everything was normal with the placenta and the cord. I still have problems moving on because I feel like I have no closure. And I don't think I ever will...

My first blog...my story

Everyone keeps telling me I need to blog. I need to get all these feelings out, if not to someone else, then at least write them down. I always hear how writing things down helps, even if no one reads it. So here it goes...

I never wanted children. I never liked babysitting, I was too selfish for many years. I didn't want to spend my money on diapers, I wasn't willing to give up the ability to just pick up and go whenever I felt like it. Then I got married to a wonderful man who kept hinting around that it was time for us to expand our family. So off the pill I go and that first month I didn't get my period. It was my first real scare of my life thinking I was pregnant. I shook as I took the test...then cried when it turned up negative. Not because I wanted it to be negative, but at that moment I was sad...I realized I DID want to become a mother and couldn't wait. So the next few months we tried and tried, but not getting a period makes it kind of difficult. My doctor said give it time, but we all know how impatient I can be, so after trying different hormone treatments to jump start my system, I was off to the fertility specialist for help. We spent countless weeks going through all types of testing just to be told that we were both healthy and there should be no reason why we weren't conceiving. For a few months I tried Clomid, but besides suffering from twisted ovaries, the Clomid accomplished nothing. I started to lose hope, 2 months after being off the Clomid, I went out the day after Thanksgiving and adopted myself a beagle which I named Bandit. Christmas came and I began to suffer from horrible cramping, which I just brushed off to another case of twisted ovaries. By New Years I was in such pain that it brought tears to my eyes. The fertility specialist brought me in and optimistically told me this could be a sign of pregnancy which I brushed off. The next day I heard the good news...YOU ARE PREGNANT. It was like a dream come true. It felt too good to be true. I didn't tell anyone of my pregnancy until I was safely out of my first trimester.

I had a very smooth and easy pregnancy. No morning sickness, no real raging hormones. In fact, the only thing that gave me a problem while pregnant was my blood pressure. I suffered from low pressure late in the second trimester, but once I started taking things slow and resting a little more, everything was fine.

I was induced at exactly 39 weeks due to me being a type 1 diabetic. After 11 hours of pitocin, my first beautiful angel was born. Kayla Danielle, 7lbs 9oz, 21" long. The delivery was traumatic, the cord was wrapped around her neck so I had to be cut and I ended up ripping - 4th degree laceration. Okay, I've heard all the horror stories about the delivery, but nobody prepared me for the pain that I would feel the next few weeks at home! But as every Mother knows, it's all worth it.

I never understood a mother's love before. I know my own loves me more than the world and she has always done everything possible to make me happy, but now I completely understand the love. It's unlike anything I've ever felt before. I can honestly say that I'd cut off my right arm for Kayla, and I couldn't say that about anyone before. When she's happy, I'm happy. When she hurts, I hurt. Who knew that you can look at someone, see the innocence in their eyes, the happiness in their smile, the unconditional love in their heart. Kayla is my world, without her I don't know who I'd really be. I know for sure that I wouldn't feel whole, I wouldn't feel this happy with life if she wasn't in it. To see a piece of you, the good and the bad. To see what you and the man you love have created is just the most amazing thing on earth...